Monday, January 4, 2010

Welcome New Year

Six months later and here we year. It is a goal to customize this thing a little more this coming year. Is it a journal when it is available to the whole world? Is there a "whole world" who would even be interested in reading my ramblings? Probably not, so journal it is.

I have personal goals that like to float to the surface from time to time, only to be sunk down again. I want to work on my follow-through....starting projects and not following them through to completion. Some would call this ADD. I call it lazy. I do know how to complete a project and have completed many. I am struggling with boredom or so it seems. I even know how to get out of that rut, but don't seem to. It all boils down to feeling that I have somehow failed to raise a son who can care for himself and his own children. He has two now. Two beautiful blessings. Rather planned for or not, they are here and not of their own volition. I will love them until my dying day and beyond. I think he loves them too, but can't seem to find his way. Is it heredity or my parenting? If anyone who knows me reads these words that I write, they will be quick to correct me that it is not me. I can't shack it though. I have basically turned him loose now. It was about time I guess, but this nagging in me is riddled with guilt....for this moment, anyway. I vasilate between feeling confident in my decision and feeling guilting, thinking I'm not doing my part as a mother, a guide, a sage, if you will. I will sleep on it again tonight. Tomorrow will bring it's own set of feelings, I'm sure. So when I start to think of my own personal goals, I think of my son and how he seems unable to make or follow through on goals of his own and I feel responsible. How does a mother break free? Am I allowed to break free? I had better get my Melody Beatty books out again and remind myself that I am powerless over his actions, but not my own. Those are good words for me.....powerless over anyone's actions except for my own. Okay....I will pray and meditate over that and try to concentrate on my goals again tomorrow.

Good night world, journal, whatever. Praying for a peaceful sleep.

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